I may have had a minor meltdown. Finals week, stress, emotional, underlying tensions...they all lead to this sort of thing. I guess it's not so surprising. Sigh...Maybe I should explain.
So, here's what happened. Two people on exec board told me they didn't see the point of one of the things that I ask of them. Something called OTM's -- Of The Months. They're basically recognitions of things that people do, or a program, or an organization, or just something that's done something awesome in the past month and deserves a little praise. I submit them to the IACURH powers that be, and they -- exec board, members of RHA (but we haven't really explained OTM's to others in the general assembly, so they don't do them...because they don't know) -- are supposed to write them and send them to me.
Well, I was told that it was pointless. Mind you, one of these guys has only given me, like, one, and the other has not given me any. That's not a very good standpoint to be arguing from. I mean really, get off your lazy ass and do it, dammit! But I digress. I am not, how shall we say, good at defending myself. I can start an argument, but I stumble for words, and I am not a debater. But, of course, one of the guys -- the guy that matters -- is on debate and loves to spar with people like this. I do not. I hate arguing. With a passion. I think it's stupid. But that's beside the point. The point is, he is good at it, and I am not. If it were a fight using writing, I could totally kick his ass, but alas, it was impromptu and I found myself struggling to find words and even get my brain to function properly. In my fury, I just started spouting out the different things I do and asking what the point of any of it was, and why I shouldn't just quit, because hey! He thought my job was pointless anyway. At least it got him to shut up. Then the president had us focus back in, and we were dismissed.
Now here's the stupid part. The other one -- the one that's not submitted any, and started the whole stupid fight in the first place -- said a few seconds later when I almost bumped into him, "Oh, better move out of the way. We all know Becky hates me." And I dunno. I was already upset because I felt like I'd just been called unimportant and useless, and I was frustrated because nothing had been accomplished. And I don't know why he says that anyway -- that "Becky hates me!" -- because I've never given any indication that I do hate him. But that just killed it for me. All the frustration, and hurt, and really stress and emotional strain just came boiling over in the form of tears and the only thing I could get myself to do was burst through the door and past him so he wouldn't see me cry.
One of the girls caught up with me and realized I was crying. She asked why, and I explained my frustration, and she consoled me on the walk back to my apartment. Then I went to my room and had a good, legitimate cry. That is, of course, until I decided I felt too alive and warm, and the solution to that was to go out into the cold on a walk with only a hat and hoodie. So, I went quite numb, but at least I didn't feel as much. Of course, I wound up seeing the debater through the window of the library. Which only made me upset again, and feel embarrassed (not sure if he saw me or not, but I still looked like hell). Then I texted Victoria, because when all else fails, call on your best friend. She made me feel a lot better. Then I decided I should talk to the president. I mean, I shouldn't be made to feel like that, you know? So, I texted him, and he said to meet him in 30.
So I went to his apartment, and he immediately started apologizing, and said that this needed to change, and that it would change next semester. Which is nice. It does need to change. I love the people on exec board to death, but some of the attitudes need to be fixed. Not all of them -- just a few. There's so much potential, but I feel like there's a bit lacking in the motivation department. Anyway, he told me that I was loved, and that they all think I'm wonderful and fun to be with, and that if I think anything else, then it's a lie. That's really what he said. Straight up, "It's a lie." Which I needed to hear more than he'll ever really know. If there are two things I struggle with more than anything, it's insecurities about my leading abilities and just friends in general. I think I've mentioned before how I'm scared that people are only nice to me because they were raised by good people, and taught to be nice to everyone, even the annoying freak shows. But secretly, they talk about me to others like, "Oh, she's so obnoxious and annoying and hideous." As for my leadership abilities, I think I've never felt like a good, confident leader. And while I was Battalion Commander, and Rifle Team Commander, I never felt like I deserved it. I always felt like I only got it because of my sister, and I even had a "friend" in JROTC tell me that straight out once. He also told me on a regular basis that I shouldn't be Rifle Team Commander, and that he deserved it and the only reason he wasn't was because 1st Sgt hated him. (Gee, thanks. Douche.) So I think as NCC, a small part of me is always afraid that someone's just going to come up to me and say, "You got this job by mistake. Even though you were the only one who ran for the position. But we've found someone better for the job. Don't let the door hit you on the way out."
And I know it's stupid, and I know it's silly. But between the two of them, those guys really brought my deepest insecurities to surface, and just made me feel terrible. It's the one scab that Satan likes to pick at it, and man, does he know how to pick at it or what. So when Shane said that...I almost wanted to cry again. For a different reason this time. Just because it's like God knew exactly what I needed to hear; that I am loved, and that I do well at my work. And honestly, I've told this story several times, to most of my roommates, two close friends, my RA, and my counselor. But this is the first time I've admitted to even myself about the insecurity part of it all -- out loud, anyway. (Sort of.) I've mulled it over in a few conversations in my head, but this is the first time I've thought about how what Shane said touched me. I knew it did at the time, but I hadn't thought much of it since. And it's almost like God is speaking to me again through it. Because Satan has been gnawing at me, in the back of my mind, telling me I'm not good enough, for so long that I think I almost started to believe him. But no. I am good enough. I'm loved so much, it's crazy. I have such wonderful friends, and that night, God showed that to me. And even though two of my friends hurt me that night, I still love them. Because I know they didn't mean to; I know that Satan tried to use it to make me beat myself up, but God used it -- is still using it -- to help me with my much older wounds.
I think on a minor level He was reminding me that all is not roses and daisies when it comes to love, and that man does disappoint us, no matter how close you are, and that God will never disappoint. I think I forgot that for a while. But I don't think I will again. And that's not to say that I'll never trust again. It's just that people disappoint you sometimes, and sometimes you disappoint others. But God never disappoints, and I forgot that I should rely on Him and His plans, not my own. Because I screw everything up. Oh well. He still loves me.
But yeah. There's my lovely little pouring out of my heart. I hope you enjoyed reading about my insecurities and how I had a nice little cryfest and a few nice realizations. I go home day after tomorrow, and it'll be nice and calm. Actually, no, my sister'll be there. It'll be chaotic. But at least I can sleep as long as I want, no homework, and lay around in my PJ's all day. And no drama. I can't wait.
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