You know, you come to college, and you think, "This is where everything in my life is going to fall into place, and make sense!" And that is quite possibly the biggest lie you will ever tell yourself.
It's funny. I started this blog when I was a freshman. A lot has changed. I dreamed about meeting The One, and everything falling into place, and being a big time writer. And I think now, three years later, I'm a little bit less Ted Mosby and a little bit more Robin Scherbatsky. And that's not a terrible thing...it just...is. Dreams change. People change. I used to not think that as much -- I thought that beliefs and ideas stayed the same in people forever -- and in a sense it does. A person is themself, at their core, they are them. Core values stay the same. But other things? Other things change. They get blurry, and less important, and other things step up and become more important.
This has been a pretty damn hard year. I fell for the wrong guy; got my heart broken by another (twice -- same guy); my boss was a bully. People used to ask me where I would go after college, if I'd stay in Colorado or go back to Texas. That question used to be a lot harder to answer. But this year has literally beaten the hell out of me, and I just can't do it anymore. I used to love my school. Now? Now...I want to go back to Texas. There is no hypothetical situation in which I would stay here at this point. I used to think, "Well what if I have a boyfriend when I graduate, or am engaged?" Well, that's not going to happen, which I am very much okay with. This isn't a post about how lonely I am -- I'm not. I'm actually quite happy being single. Still, I'm not going to get a "ring by spring" and it's almost freeing. I'm going straight back to Austin, Texas when I graduate, and I'm going to join the video game industry. And I'll write on the side, when I have time. At least that's the current plan. But this one makes a lot more sense than any of the previous ones I've had. In fact, as for the couples I know that are engaged, I worry about them. I have to wonder -- in the case of a few -- if they're going to last. Statistically speaking, after all, divorce rates are higher for those who marry young. And so many of these people I know -- they've only ever had one boyfriend or girlfriend, and they barely were dating a year before they got engaged, and will be married in less than. Some I look at and think, "Yeah. They could last. They're mature and know what they're getting themselves into." But others? Others I pray for.
Back to the past school year. It's been one hell of a year. Probably the only reason I haven't just dropped out at this point is because I have such a good group of friends, especially roommates. They've helped me a lot. Dunno what I'd do without them. I'm really going to miss them when they graduate. But on the other hand, I want so desperately to get out of here that I am counting down the days to graduation so I can go running home into my mother's arms. Sometimes I really wish my dad was still alive more than others. I could have used his stories a lot this past year. A horrible boss and stupid boys? Yeah. I could've used my dad. RaHimah allah.
The two things I had here at CCU I've lost. They were the things I loved from the very beginning -- the start of my college career. And I've lost them both. RHA is in ruin. Kyra has made sure of that. If it lasts next year at all I would be surprised. And that guy? Yeah. He will never in a million years see me. He sees through me. But that's alright. It never would have worked out anyway, right? He's Anglican and I'm Baptist. Lots of differences there. The only thing that makes me angry anymore with him is that I feel like he hasn't been much of a real friend to me this year. Unless you catch him hours upon hours in advance (and on occassion days) to make plans with him, he'll go off and drink with friends. In case I haven't made it clear before, I don't like being blown off. Either you can make a bit of time for an old friend, or you can't. And I feel like for the most part, he chooses others over me. I have other friends to rely on anyway.
I get along with the English majors a lot better than I used to. I suppose that's the bright side to all of this. I have more friends in that department. I want my English professor to smile-upon me. She'll be my senior thesis advisor next year, so hopefully she won't regret that life decision. I can only pray about that one. But I hope I'll impress her.
You know, I used to want to be swept off of my feet by the Doctor and his Tardis. I wanted to run away, and join the stars. But earlier this year, I decided that if the Tardis ever did appear before me, and the Doctor opened the door and offered his hand and all the wonders, I would turn him down. Because it only ever ends badly; someone will wind up with their heart broken. But I think I've changed my mind back now. After everything that has happened to me this year, I would give anything to just hop aboard the Tardis and run away. I'd ask to meet Shakespeare; go to the 51st century; shopping on a different planet. The fear of having your heart broken shouldn't hold you back. The wonder would be worth it all. And anything would be better than the stuff I've had to endure this year. This year has made me want to run away again. And no, the Doctor isn't real, nor is his Tardis. But the lessons he has taught me are real. The memories I have of watching that show with my dad, those are real. And the desire to run away and join the stars is real, too. And they're not here at CCU or in Colorado. They are somewhere out there, waiting for me. And I can't wait to see what the next three years have to offer.
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